Story behind the song- White Knuckles

From Downfall, book 1 in the Creativity Stone series

"You are love and you’re faithful

I’ve heard a thousand times

You’re good and so gracious

Yes I’ve said it all before

But this don’t feel loving

This don’t feel good

I cling to my pain

My hands gripping tight

I hold to my sorrow

My knuckles turned white

I want to surrender

I want to rely

But how

But how

How do I stop when I just feel pain

How do I let go when I am drained

Do I thank you that your bigger

Do I sing of your greatness

Or do I just sit in your arms

And be gracious

Thank you Jesus for all that you’ve done

Even through all that I’ve gone

I worship you and sing out your name

For you are the knight and I am the dame

I don’t have to fight, yes why should I worry

For I trust, it’s all for your glory

I give it to you, I open my hands

For I know that you have a plan"

White Knuckles is a story of knowing the right answers but still doubting God. Joshua sings this song in a moment of absolute despair and frustration, I won't spoil the details though.

Most songs in Downfall were based off of real songs that I pictured the characters singing in the scene. This one however is the only one not based off a real song. Instead, it's based off of a real moment I had in my life. While I didn't experience what Joshua did, there was a moment when I had to give up a huge part of my life.

I had been in a co-dependent relationship for nearly five years and I needed to break it off for the sake of both of us. I needed to release her and give the situation completely to God. I remember sitting on the floor in the shower, my tears mixing with the water dumping on my head. I was physically trying open my hands and release the situation to God, but I couldn't. My hands were clenched so tight, my knuckles were turning white.

But I did open my hands, both physically and spiritually, and give the situation to God. And in that, I grew in reliance on the Lord. And I experienced a freedom and the joy of the Lord to a fullness I’d never encountered before.

I used that experience when writing this song, although Joshua wasn't ready to sing the ending yet where God's truth is proclaimed. My plan had been to have a reprise where Joshua finishes the song later, but it didn't fit anywhere. Maybe I’ll have a place for it in book 2.

What did you think of this song and scene? Let me know in the comments.

You can read this scene and more in Downfall.