Story behind the song- White Knuckles
From Downfall, book 1 in the Creativity Stone series
"You are love and you’re faithful
I’ve heard a thousand times
You’re good and so gracious
Yes I’ve said it all before
But this don’t feel loving
This don’t feel good
I cling to my pain
My hands gripping tight
I hold to my sorrow
My knuckles turned white
I want to surrender
I want to rely
How do I stop when I just feel pain
How do I let go when I am drained
Do I thank you that your bigger
Do I sing of your greatness
Or do I just sit in your arms
And be gracious
Thank you Jesus for all that you’ve done
Even through all that I’ve gone
I worship you and sing out your name
For you are the knight and I am the dame
I don’t have to fight, yes why should I worry
For I trust, it’s all for your glory
I give it to you, I open my hands
For I know that you have a plan"
White Knuckles is a story of knowing the right answers but still doubting God. Joshua sings this song in a moment of absolute despair and frustration, I won't spoil the details though.
Most songs in Downfall were based off of real songs that I pictured the characters singing in the scene. This one however is the only one not based off a real song. Instead, it's based off of a real moment I had in my life. While I didn't experience what Joshua did, there was a moment when I had to give up a huge part of my life.
I had been in a co-dependent relationship for nearly five years and I needed to break it off for the sake of both of us. I needed to release her and give the situation completely to God. I remember sitting on the floor in the shower, my tears mixing with the water dumping on my head. I was physically trying open my hands and release the situation to God, but I couldn't. My hands were clenched so tight, my knuckles were turning white.
But I did open my hands, both physically and spiritually, and give the situation to God. And in that, I grew in reliance on the Lord. And I experienced a freedom and the joy of the Lord to a fullness I’d never encountered before.
I used that experience when writing this song, although Joshua wasn't ready to sing the ending yet where God's truth is proclaimed. My plan had been to have a reprise where Joshua finishes the song later, but it didn't fit anywhere. Maybe I’ll have a place for it in book 2.
What did you think of this song and scene? Let me know in the comments.
You can read this scene and more in Downfall.
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